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I once owned a pair of black pants that I don’t think I will ever forget. They were bootcut, with no front pockets, perfectly placed back pockets and belt loops in case I ever decided to tuck in a shirt and rock a belt.  I still remember that night at Target when I bought them.

At some point, I gained weight and wasn’t able to wear my favorite pants anymore. They may be in the bin of “skinny clothes” in the attic that will never see the light of day again.  I think of them fondly…

Ever since these magical black pants have been put away, I cannot find another pair of pants that fit right. I own eleven pairs of pants; skinny jeans, colored jeans, black pants, chinos, and not one of them fits me well.  I have one pair of jeggings that I really like, that are the closest thing I have to feeling good in a pair of pants (especially post pregnancy). Of course, they are slowly becoming worn (where else but between the thighs, where all the action is), and I tried to find them online to buy a new pair, but they appear to no longer exist.

Aside from being sad that I don’t have pants that fit well, I wonder why the hell do I own all of these pants that don’t fit right?  You know why? It’s because, when I buy a pair (usually online because thats where all the options are if you are bigger than a size 8) and I try them on, if they zipper I say “eh, well at least I got them on”.  At that moment in time I’m pleased to have a pair of pants that didn’t make me cry (yes, pants can make you cry).

*Side note: I considered taking a picture of myself in each of my pair of pants and explaining why they are ill fitting, but I’m not quite ready to publicly embarrass myself yet. At least not on the internet.  Just know that the terms muffin top and mom jeans would make an appearance.

Another reason I own eleven pairs of pants that don’t really fit well? Because I’m lazy. The online purchase is easy, I go to whatever website I’m buying from (some of my favorites are Zappos, Gap, Banana Republic, Nordstom and Ann Taylor) plug in my credit card info and they send them, promptly.  I try everything on, but when things don’t fit well I find myself convincing myself they are okay because I just don’t feel like re-packaging everything and taking it to UPS to return.  Bad reason, but it’s true.

I’m starting to feel the “I need new fall clothes” itch, so I’ve been online window shopping, but I’m afraid to pull the trigger.  I feel like I have to buy 10 different pairs in 2 different sizes so I can give myself the best chance at finding 1 pair that fits. The trouble is I don’t want to have all that hanging out on my credit card, while I wait for whatever company to process my return in 6-8 weeks.  I could actually go to a store, but as I mentioned above, size options become an issue and that’s when the pants will make me cry (again).

You know another thing that bothers me about pants (other than the fact I have to wear them)? That every single store has created this sort of “what’s your shape” guide to buying pants, and none of them really mean crap.  I’m not an apple or a pear; I’m more of a beer and a donut. If some company starts labeling their fit guides by what your favorite carb is, then maybe I can figure out which is the right fit for me.

I guess in the future I’ll try to hold my pants to a higher standard and not settle for the “didn’t make me cry” pair. Or, I may stop wearing pants.