As we approach the New Year everyone is talking resolutions. The one that tops the list for most is to lose weight. I’d love to lose 25lbs (or even 5).  What won’t be new to the year is the inner battle I have with this desire to lose weight and mission to love myself and my body for what it is. But this year, my resolution is to not join Weight Watchers (for the umpteenth time).

I’ve struggled with my weight my entire adolescence and adult life. Just this year I’ve lost and gained the same 10lbs TWICE. Seriously, I lost 10lbs, gained it back, lost it again and gained it back again. I’m right back where I was this time last year, possibly a couple pounds heavier.  I can’t seem to stay committed to the changes it takes to lose weight and maintain it.

I would love to be in a place where I didn’t hate my body… you know, where I can look in the mirror and not cringe at the overfull, yet smushy area that is my stomach. Body acceptance and self love is all the rage. Companies like Dove and Kellog’s Special K are all over telling me that I’m okay just they way I am.

Except I’m not. Being overweight isn’t good for me and I know it…and so do my knees and ankles when I run. The thing is, the only way I know how to start the process of losing weight isn’t by saying “you look great just the way you are”, it’s by saying “you’re fat and gross, stop eating so much”.

To me, loving myself they way I am and losing weight to be healthier are in direct conflict with each other.  I don’t say “no” to french fries because my body is better off without the starch and fried fat. I say “no” because I’m too fat to allow myself to eat them. It’s a punishment, not a job well done. It’s no wonder my weight yo-yo’s. I berate myself into losing weight, only to applaud my efforts with that basket of fries I’ve been denying myself for weeks (or months).

Maybe instead of dropping my money into the pockets of weight loss companies, I’ll spend it on a behavioral nutritionist that will help me work out my food issues. Overall, this new year needs to be about changing my brain instead of changing my body. Finding a way to make healthy food choices because it makes me feel good, instead of withholding junk food as some sort of penance for previous discretions.  I’ll be sure to keep you updated… but don’t worry, I’ll refrain from telling you every item of food I’m eating every day…unless it’s reeeeeaaaally good.