If you are a fan of Seinfeld, then you know that today, December 23rd is Festivus (um, why does spell check not know that Festivus is a legit word?). Part of the Festivus tradition is the “Airing of Grievances”, so today I will be sharing some of mine.
“I got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about them”
Bagger at the grocery store: stop dropping my fruit like its a bowling ball. Also stop shoving every can, bottle and jug I have into one bag and then setting it on top of the bag full of bread.
Buffalo Bills: stop fucking losing. Just stop it. Make the Goddamn playoffs for once in my adult life.
Tom Brady: I’m tired of you and your work ethic and commitment to success.
IRS: I’ve given you too much money this year. I hate you.
Meat head in the weight room at the gym: take the 50lbs weights off the barbell that you’ve left at the top bar of the squat machine. Do you recognize the irony of your laziness at the gym? I do. AND I want you to wipe that greasy head mark off the bench when you’re done doing bench presses.
Mommies in the mommy group: stop posting articles about pro or anti vaccine shit. This is a place to discuss our kids blow outs, annoying other moms we know and how fat we got from our kids and you’re ruining it with controversial topics.
Nurse weighing me at the doctors office: I have on big boots, a big coat, a sweater, jeans and I really have to pee and you couldn’t take off a pound off my weight? Thanks.
Person about to make a right hand turn onto the street I’m currently driving straight on: please come to a stop before pulling out into the road. If you absolutely must pull into the street at this very moment, please do so with some speed so I don’t ram my car into you.
Ariana Grande: I hate that you’re being shoved down my throat worse than One Direction. You’re creepy looking and that whole being carried like a baby thing is SUPER weird. Go away.
My gallbladder: I’m super pissed you’re not working correctly and now I have to have surgery to get you removed.
Every company that has had a security breech and fucked with my credit cards: I hate having to cut cards and wait for new ones. I like to buy things and you should know this. Stop interrupting my horrible spending habits.
Really, I could go on and on, but I have to go challenge my toddler to “feats of strength”.