Remember when you went away to college, and there was a collection of your peers there waiting to help you and your parents move you into the dorms? They all wore matching shirts and were really enthusiastic in helping you schlep all your shit out of a car, into a big grey bin and into your room.
These people do not exist in your adult life. Your adult friends work, have families, and if you’re in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s+, most definitely have some sort of physical ailment. No one is interested in spending a previously free Saturday afternoon hauling your crap in and out of a truck/house. Continue reading →
I’m in no way a selfie hater. Selfies are the only way I can capture myself, the husband and the toddler in one picture (see below). In fact, I’ve been taking selfies well before they were a thing, and before we had camera phones that allowed us to see what the heck we’re taking a picture of. I mastered the art of the disposable camera selfie many years ago.
If you are a fan of Seinfeld, then you know that today, December 23rd is Festivus (um, why does spell check not know that Festivus is a legit word?). Part of the Festivus tradition is the “Airing of Grievances”, so today I will be sharing some of mine.
“I got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about them”
Bagger at the grocery store: stop dropping my fruit like its a bowling ball. Also stop shoving every can, bottle and jug I have into one bag and then setting it on top of the bag full of bread.
Buffalo Bills: stop fucking losing. Just stop it. Make the Goddamn playoffs for once in my adult life.
Tom Brady: I’m tired of you and your work ethic and commitment to success.
IRS: I’ve given you too much money this year. I hate you.
Meat head in the weight room at the gym: take the 50lbs weights off the barbell that you’ve left at the top bar of the squat machine. Do you recognize the irony of your laziness at the gym? I do. AND I want you to wipe that greasy head mark off the bench when you’re done doing bench presses.
Mommies in the mommy group: stop posting articles about pro or anti vaccine shit. This is a place to discuss our kids blow outs, annoying other moms we know and how fat we got from our kids and you’re ruining it with controversial topics.
Nurse weighing me at the doctors office: I have on big boots, a big coat, a sweater, jeans and I really have to pee and you couldn’t take off a pound off my weight? Thanks.
Person about to make a right hand turn onto the street I’m currently driving straight on: please come to a stop before pulling out into the road. If you absolutely must pull into the street at this very moment, please do so with some speed so I don’t ram my car into you.
Ariana Grande: I hate that you’re being shoved down my throat worse than One Direction. You’re creepy looking and that whole being carried like a baby thing is SUPER weird. Go away.
My gallbladder: I’m super pissed you’re not working correctly and now I have to have surgery to get you removed.
Every company that has had a security breech and fucked with my credit cards: I hate having to cut cards and wait for new ones. I like to buy things and you should know this. Stop interrupting my horrible spending habits.
Really, I could go on and on, but I have to go challenge my toddler to “feats of strength”.
So correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the socially responsible thing to do when you see someone with a clothing tag on to TELL them? Especially when it is their SIZE sticker?
I saw a client today, and she asked me if I was wearing a new sweater. I was, but I found it to be an odd question considering I don’t see her enough on a regular basis for her to possibly know what’s new vs old in my sweater collection.
Then later at home, as I’m getting changed, I see it. The XL sticker slapped on the left boob of the sweater. I had been going around all day seeing clients, and this person saw the sticker and didn’t say anything. It’s not like we’re strangers, we’ve lunched before. WTF would she not tell me??? I walked around all day letting the world know I had a new sweater (which I got for 50% off thank-you-very-much) and more embarrassingly that I wear an XL (which all of you now know too).
It’s not that that I care THAT much, but its still embarrassing and I’m confused. I really thought that it was woman code to tell someone when they have a tag or sticker on their clothes. I mean, she may have well let me go about my day with kale in between my teeth.
I have a question for everyone to help settle a small dispute with someone. If today is Tuesday, and you want to tell someone the event is 3 days later on Friday, do you say “the event is this Friday” or “the event is next Friday”?
I believe that “this” is for the next occurrence of that day and “next” is for the following weeks occurrence of that day. The person I was talking to believes that “next” refers to the next time that day happens.
Lately there have been a whole bunch of ads from jewelry stores promoting their “chocolate diamonds” and it’s driving me bonkers. We have another name for them in our house, “doo-doo diamonds”. I’m serious, I do not understand how anyone would want a chocolate diamond. Continue reading →
As you may know from a previous post or two, I play co-ed, two-hand-touch football in a social sports league. I love it more than most things in my life, and I completely recognize how extreme that sounds, but it’s true.
For years I’ve played “competitive” social sports including football, softball and volleyball. I have rocked out a championship in softball, and at least a handful in volleyball, but I always seem fall short of the trophy when it comes to football. My team has made it to the championship game a few times, but we have yet to clinch that spot of superiority.
Tomorrow are our Fall season playoffs. We have our quarterback, some of our best receivers, but we are missing most of our girl players. Teams need 3 ladies on the field, and we will have exactly 3 ladies at the game. That means no breaks, no subs, and going 100% until the end. On one hand it’s intimidating, on the other hand I effing love playing and never really like to come off the field anyway. The difference tomorrow will be is if we win, we will play for 3 hours straight.
Every week on my way to the game I like to blast my favorite music. Normally I always find something good on one of my many XM stations, but this week I decided to take control of my playlist. Below are my jams that I belt out, that make me feel infuckingdestructable… like I’m ready to take some bitches down.
For your listening pleasure this is the link to the Spotify playlist, and here are the tracks you’ll find on it.
Delirious- Steve Aoki
More- Usher
Centuries- Fall Out Boy
Can’t Hold Us- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Animals- Maroon 5
Champagne Showers- LMFAO
You’re the Best- Joe Esposito (from The Karate Kid)
Titanium- David Guetta/Sia
*and in case you’re wondering why Champagne Showers is considered a Pumped Up Playlist song, it’s because our team vowed years ago that if we ever won it all, we would have a champagne shower celebration.
I’m not on a sugar high because my husband hid all the leftover Halloween candy. I’m not even on a caffeine high because I only had 1 cup of coffee this morning. Instead, I think I’m on a ‘my brain might explode soon’ high.
I’ve been a to-do list junkie for a very long time, and somehow I’ve let it go without updating lately and it’s lead to a nervous breakdown. I spent most of my day yesterday in a haze of feelings of being overwhelmed, being a failure, and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Today, I got up early and did some cleaning, I went to the gym and then got to work. I have taken a “late lunch” trip to the mall to try and find some rain boots and jacket for the toddler. It’s supposed to rain on Thursday, and his school still has playground time unless its raining hard. Sooooo, unless I want him tracking mud around his new classroom (nice first impression, huh) I need to track down some toddler rain boots that don’t cost more than our weekly groceries.
I’ve also been thinking about Brittany Maynard, the girl with terminal cancer that chose to end her life this past weekend. I think about how hard of a decision that must be, but I also think about how she has every right to make that decision for herself. The fact that only 5 states allow you to do this baffles me. So many that oppose this idea believe it’s up to God to decide when you die. Well guess what, that is what YOU believe. That doesn’t make it what others need to live their life by. I’m a big advocate for people (and especially women) having the say in what happens to their bodies, because after all, it is their body and their life. I can’t say if I were in her position I would do the same, but I wish more states offered folks the option to decide for themselves.
Then of course is a new found love of the Facebook page Humans of New York. It’s freaking awesome and I think you should go like it. Now.
Oh, and I still need to do my expense report for the month of October, do laundry, do my territory planning…and actually write the to-do list so it Gets.Out.Of.My.Head. I’m thinking about all that too.
